The modern Life: Dating in the Age of Cyber Sex

n general, I'm not much of a dater. In fact, I've been known to abhor dates. All the build up, the expectations, the judgment involved in dating can be difficult for the ego; not to mention the nerves! However; in an effort to increase my chances of perhaps making that connection with someone that could, eventually, turn into a relationship with some significance, I've opted to go on dates.

My primary way of meeting men, so far, has been through a dating website. It's been an interesting experience so far and it's taken me a while to figure out that the interaction on a dating website is very different from meeting someone in person. I know this seems obvious, but it wasn't to me. In general, I'm someone who is on a dating website for a specific purpose: to meet men and go on dates. But, I've realized pretty quickly that this is not the case for a lot of men who troll around dating websites. (And yes, they troll! Not all do, but there are many.)

There is the married man who doesn't tell you he is married. You exchange a couple of e-mails, he seems fairly interesting aside from the fact that he spent 3 years in the military in Iraq. Then one day you get an e-mail from him, or so you think it is, and it turns out it's his wife telling you that he is married and she thinks you should know this. I respond to the e-mail with a simple: Thank You and I'm sorry that you're married to such a jerk.

There are also the men who IM you, which seems utterly harmless. After all, it's good to have a least some exchange to know if you're interested in getting to know them any further. In general I like interesting conversation and getting to know people, so striking up a conversation in a virtual world can be stimulating and somewhat exciting. But, I wasn't initially prepared for the path that a lot of the men lead the conversations to. Yes, I'm talking about cyber sex. For me, this was eye opening in terms of my naivete. I found myself asking: Do all men do this? (in my experience a lot have initiated this type of interaction.) Am I really this naive? Am I a prude?

Apparently, I was naive. I didn't know that so many men desired such experiences. But, looking at the big picture I surmised that at least cyber sex is a lot safer than having random anonymous sex. However, I was still surprised by the prevalence of this in the internet dating world. When did dating websites turn into cyber sex chat rooms? Are there certain girls they desire to have cyber sex with and others they go on dates with? I was curious, but not curious enough to ask these questions or engage most of these men in a conversation regarding their preferences. Honestly, after a while it just got predictable and annoying. I realized that this is not the kind of connection I was interested in having, I wanted to go on a date, not have random cyber sex with someone I have no connection to whatsoever. Anyway, how do you go on a date with someone after you have cyber sex? At that point isn't there all this sexual build up and I think it would cloud my view of getting to know the person.

I don't mean to say that there isn't sexual tension on first dates, but to have that tension exist before you even actually meet someone is odd to me. Your mind can exist in the fantasy of the sex, but you will never truly know if you are attracted to that person until you meet them. This goes for phone sex as well. I think you have a bit of a better idea of what someone is like by phone, but it still will never match up to meeting someone in person. I do appreciate the imagination that goes into creating a sexual fantasy/reality via phone or cyber sex. However, the chemical reaction that exists between two people who are attracted to each other is irreplaceable.

Personally, I prefer the real deal. The excitement of meeting someone, of knowing their eyes, their smell, the way the left side of their mouth droops slightly when they smile. This to me, is how I become attracted to someone. This is where I might feel a connection and decide if, perhaps, we could explore the realm of real physical intimacy together.